A short. On the Table.

And her a nurse. A little phrase my family says often referring to a lack of knowledge in one's own profession. It sticks with me. A little voice that sounds like bee stung red lips smacking in my ear... "and her a nurse". 

I think, not now Amy, you're the patient, not the nurse. Just. be. the. patient. No, maybe the baby is the patient. But the baby is dead. The baby is dead. The baby is dead. You are still a patient even when dead, I know this. 

How can that be? I'm looking right at it. A little grey gummy bear. Is she blind? What the fuck am I missing?  Three weeks ago? Dead baby for three weeks. So it just stops growing. How can that be? Shit, where is Ryan? My own damn fault. I was supposed to pee in a cup and do the doppler. Didn't need a spectator today. Oh my God, I'm alone. Not even my little baby is with me. What was I doing 3 weeks ago? I was there and yet I missed it.  A whole life, in my body, died. And I didn't even know. And her a nurse. 

Options. Paperwork. Tissues. It's Thursday already? Ella needs to be picked up. I want to lay down. Removal? Wait wait wait. Is she sure? I need to see it again. Walk me through this please. Doppler...reminds me of tv- constant noise with irritating volume spikes when a commercial comes on. Where the hell is the heartbeat? Maybe this baby is a squirmer. Abdominal ultrasound? Sure doc, I love to see the baby. She's not convinced? Of what? This is nuts. Transvaginal? Privacy to change? Really doc... I think you've seen it all. Let me see that baby. There's my little bear. Ok if I dim the lights? Well I'd prefer it. All the better to see my own internal movie. I wish Ryan could see. What is she talking about? Amy, the baby died. So this is how they tell you? 

Heaving, embarrassing sobs. Let me off this table. I need to be in a chair. Sit like a lady. Pull yourself together. This happens all the time. Why is she turning that damn light on? I feel like I'm in an interrogation. I don't know when's a good time. Sure, tomorrow at noon. I might vomit. More papers. Please don't look at me. Let me be, let me be, let me be. Oh no. Ryan. I have to tell Ryan. Poor Ryan. Poor sweet Ryan. 

Stop this mess. You are ridiculous. You're going to scare all these little mommies. You have one. One very beautiful, very kind, very funny, charming little sunshine of a girl. It will be enough. Enough? Well it will be. Stand in line. Freakin fair skin. So damn blotchy. Bet this baby would have been fair. Of course it would have been. Been. Stop it now. Save it for your bed. Bitch in line thinks I'm cutting. FUUUUUCKKKK YOU! I'm not cutting. I can't even see you in line. I can't see much of anything at the moment. Tissue shreds in my hand. Can't they get some decent tissues in here? Effing reps with cheap tissues. 

My car. Thank you Jesus. Personal space. Take a minute. Prioritize. Make the call. Brief. Mumbles. Tears. Meet at home. Just get home. More space. More privacy. I want a Diet Dr. Pepper. With Sonic ice. I want to lay down. I want to be invisible. I want a little time with my dead baby. I bet it was a girl. Was. Devastating. 

But it gets better over time. It's not always devastating. It was. Was. I get the logic. Uh- huh, wasn't meant to be. Shitty saying. I've used it a lot. Probably true, but shitty all the same. Happens more than we know. Uh-huh, sure does. Still hurts though. 12 weeks you say? The magic number. So it's not as real before lucky number 12? It doesn't hurt as much? No. Grief is easier in solitaire? I'm not so sure. I know there's a lot of us. It's ok to say it. Bad juju? I don't think so. Just misfortune. 

**A quick note. I wrote this because it was one of my worst days. And I know a lot of people with a similar worst day. I wanted to share it. This happened in October of 2010. I was due on Mother's Day, May 8th, 2011. This time of year makes me think of it. I'm really at peace now. I'm very blessed to have Rhett Jameson who was born last September, but I believe I came to terms with my lack of control in this baby making process not long after I miscarried the baby. I think peace, in anything, is all you can really hope for. 

Burp Cloth How To

So a sweet friend of mine recently asked how I make burp clothes. Ladies, it's so simple you will wonder why you ever let your baby barf on just any old rag. If you can sew a straight line you got this. Here's your basic instruction.

1. Buy a package of good ol' fashion cloth diapers. You can find them at Target. Comes out to about a $1/ diaper. Now I know you may be confused because, shit you thought I said we were making burp cloths, not diapers. Well for us youngins you may not realize that these are the ancient cloth diapers of yesteryear that we now repurpose as kick ass burp cloths.

2. Now select what cute little fabric you want to use. You just need a decent scrap piece so if you have to head to the fabric store a quarter of yard will make you several burp cloths. Now lay out your cloth diaper and spread your fabric scrap over one end of it. Cut your fabric in the general shape that you want it to be making sure that it's a bit wider than the cloth diaper so that you can make a nice seam.

3. Now line up one long side of the fabric with the short edge of the cloth diaper. Place right sides (pretty sides) together. *in other words, put the pretty side of the fabric down- you are going to flip this bad boy over in a minute* Now put a couple pins in and sew this one straight line. Voila! You just made a nice little hem for the back of the burp cloth. Now pull the fabric back and iron at the seam to get a nice crisp fold.

4. Ok now flip over the cloth diaper. At this point, you are ready to make the edges all pretty by folding and ironing your fabric. So bring up the fabric so it lays tight against the cloth diaper. Now fold the left side and right side in so that your fabric edge lines up with your cloth diaper. Now fold down the unfinished edge of the fabric so that it looks straight across. You will need to iron each seam to get a crisp look. Now pin it. I like a ribbon across the top because you need a little preciousness when your baby regurgitates nasty formula all over you. You can pin your ribbon on top of or under your fabric- sewers preference. **Make sure you are using ribbon for sewing found in the fabric department and not floral ribbon that will deteriorate when you wash it**

5. Ok now you are ready to sew some more straight lines. I like to go up one side and across and down the other. Then I put one last row of stitching across the top of the ribbon to secure it. Bam, done. I always like to add a monogram for the baby cause that is just the finishing touch. So just run that up to your local shop or find a friend who has an embroidery machine (then call me and tell me their contact info so I can mooch off their machine ;)

* Sang forget you ever saw this little burp cloth