Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Bachelor 17- Drinkin' the Kool Aid

I've mentally been writing this blog entry since watching the finale Monday night. And every time I sit to write it, Sean goes and effs it up. Here's my thought process:

I found the episode sluggish. Ok if I'm honest, I tuned in super late and fast-forwarded about 65% of it. Blah blah blah... I love you... you're special... pick me....you could be my future wife... blah blah blah... I don't care what mom says... tears... deliberation...I love you BUT... and shizam, a proposal.

I like Catherine. She seems unfazed by the celebrity of it. Has her own thing going on. Seems to really care for him.  Needs a trim, but otherwise gorgeous girl. I didn't really see long term anything with Lindsey. Again she seems to be more of a drive-thru liquor store kind-of-girl to me. So no surprise there. Not sure how I feel about the war of metallic dresses. Pewter vs gold.  It was all a bit too statuesque to me and a sharp contrast to the stark "altar".  Was there no budget for flowers? WTF with the tusk-like branches? Not to mention the mile hike the bitch had to walk just for him to love you, but not be in love with you. That's a walk that could use a liquor barn. And side note, I don't blame her for ditching the stilettos but seriously, my mother would have died if I walked around barefoot in Thailand on national tv. Just saying.

The proposal. Umm her face. Yeah... Not even sure what to make of those porn star expressions. Most romantic finale ever?!?! Fuck no. I wanted to laugh but I was so freakin uncomfortable I became paralyzed. It was like watching There's Something About Mary with my parents all over again. Just awkward. And naturally they ride off on an elephant. Pretty sure Catherine was freaking the eff out trying to get up on that bad boy in pumps and gold saran wrap.

After the Final Rose. Ok I was starting to buy in. Sean was a bit emotional (cheesy, but maybe he's for ril) and Catherine was all perky. They were all ready to do this thing and then BAM. Decide to sell their shit to ABC for a wedding. Now don't get me wrong. Of course I want to watch this. But I'm immediately thinking now there's some real money involved. I realize Sean gets paid to be the Bachelor but now he's getting paid to keep this chick. Eh... feels tainted.

As for Des being the next Bachelorette, I like it. But let's fix her hair. I dig her cute little bangs and a darker shade on her. She has that little hipster side to her that's super cute.  She's too plain jane with the soft curls.

Cut to Good Morning America. What the fuck. Dude you're gonna dance? No. Don't. Really don't.  This wreaks of Jake Pavelka. And you know he's gonna take his shirt off first episode. I'm over it. And you're changing skin tones.

So you thought that was it, right? Nope. Home boy shows up on the cover of People. Born again virgin.  Dude whatever. Nobody gives a fuck. Literally. Catherine's take? "I honor him". Whaaaat? You must be getting a cut of his dancing with the stars money or something at this point. Not that I think people can't remain celibate until marriage, rather there's something really weird about selling your morality to a tabloid. I don't buy it. What's next Sean? Wait I know. You'll sell your break up story.

So here's my final thought. Let's bring back Jef. He'd be an awesome Bachelor. Maybe him and Des together?

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Bachelor- Crazies be Out

The Women Tell All Cliff Notes Edition:

1- AshLee's hair. Ah-ma-zing! Loved the ombre. Well done. Dress looked a bit snug but again bangin' figure. Too bad she went all cray cray!! Sweets is delusional. I didn't buy it one for one second that Sean told her he didn't have feelings for the other girls. Wack yo. And P.S. Has home girl ever been to a frat house?? Any frat that I've ever been to (and am able to remember ;) was pretty much the opposite of Sean. Forget civility, I'm not sure those dudes showered. Ash, you kinda prude.

2. Desiree- yo girl bring back your signature bangs. She came off well. Potential bachelorette??

3. Amanda- what the fuck? Why did Chris not bring her up? 

4. Crazy drunk Ashley from first episode- What the fuckity fuck? Why no interview? 

5. Robyn- She's still too stuck on the Tierra issue and she knows it. Hard.To.Watch. 

6. Tierra- ugh. Not digging the new hair color. Hated her dress. Her lips looked different. And I don't buy that that was a real diamond. So is she now engaged to rehab ex? She got off easy if you ask me. And I think it's because no one could make sense of her babbling or enough to at least put her in her place. 

7. Selma- She looked different too. Nose? Maybe it was the center part. That shit always throws me off. Again, where were the follow up questions? What happened with her family when she went home after having kissed the dude? 

8. Leslie- Her facial expressions are hilarious. 

9. So Lindsey or Katherine? I could go either way. 

10. And as always, bloopers were the best part. 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Bachelor 17- And Then There Were Two

Holy Kevin Bacon people! So my friend, Sarah, from Mops just recently started reading my blog AND guess what!?!?! Her sister in law dated Sean in freakin' high school. Yup saw the prom picture with my own two eyes. It's pretty cute. He's just what you think he would look like 10 years ago. Scrawny little white dude with a super cute smile.

Anyhow... the OVERNIGHTS.... well I have to be honest, I thought there was a bit too much talk of "ladies" and "intentions". I mean shit, do we really even need the formal invite from Chris Harrison anymore? WE KNOW... they can forgo their individual rooms and shack up. It felt like groundhog's day with each woman reading the note, pausing to discuss values then ultimately accepting the "time" together. Sigh. We get it.

So Lindsey... Bitch please. We know the ONLY reason you ate the bug is because you saw Selma sent home for not going into a cold ass lake. He's a freakin' idiot if he thinks that suddenly makes you adventurous. In my mind, that is just you securing your man. In fact, here's a few other things Sean should take note of that will no longer occur once the ring is secured:
     * Thongs
     * Eat three bites of dinner and be full
     * Make up and hair EVERY day
     * Adventures. Sweetie, find a friend, call him your bro and take his ass hunting and fishing and jumping into cold ass lakes. She doesn't want to scale a mountain, bungee jump or eat insects to spend time with you.
(*this is not a complete list. I'm sure your naughty minds can think of many more)

AshLee. Well as I predicted last week, she likes him way more than he likes her. She's a doll really. But I think she needs to accept herself and be proud of what she has done in her life not what some man has done for her. I think she was just too sure of the whole thing. I mean really, he's your soul mate? You know this because you liked your one on one time on a group date? Doesn't add up for me. I did want to kick his ass for saying to her "I thought you were THE ONE" to help her get closure. Does he get what the word means? Also, how many woman can you say that to? Last week was Des and now AshLee. That's a lot of "it" girls if you ask me. I did not expect her to be so pissed. Snake eyes yo.

Catherine. So Catherine are you weird? Oh right, you told us that about 14 million times last night. That seemed to be a common theme with Jef and Emily as well. I like Catherine. Not sure I totally get the connection between them. Not sure if they are keeping some of this from the viewer or if maybe I just don't get it.

Not sure I'm rooting for either girl in particular. I'm quite surprised that either made it to the finale. But I also don't dislike them. I don't think it would last at all with Lindsey. I think she would use this as her stepping out platform and try to get a little more fame from it. As for Catherine, not sure if it would last or not. Odds are not. She should also get a little trim before the finale. I'd like to see her hair off her face a bit. And WTF is the letter all about at the end? I'm dying to know. Is it an "i love you" no matter what happens here thing or is someone bowing out?

So girlfriend, Traci, made a great point to me last week. She proposed that Leslie could be the next Bachelorette. Exhibit A: Chris Harrison called her "fan favorite" multiple times during Sean's tell all. And was she? Or are they planting a seed? Thoughts?


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Bachelor 17- Sean Showers, Des Cries

Wow, just a few awkward moments this week. Honestly, I'm not a huge fan of the hometown dates.  All the girls are just a little too excited and gushy over the dude and then there is the whole "can I have your blessing" moment. Eh. This is where it all starts to feel a little phony to me.

Exhibit A, Desiree. Really... the fake returning ex prank? Eh. Just felt AWKWARD. I really hated the camera zooming in on Sean's clenched fist and his freakishly red face. I mean I think calling her friend an "actor" was a bit generous.  Then there was the brother shake down. On Tuesday's Sean Tells All episode we saw the 180 Des' brother made. So would that be explained by crack, cigaweed, booze??? I felt distracted by his mouthy teeth and overly aggressive tats. However, I got a few laughs with use gratuitous use of the word "playboy". Overall, felt like daddy should handle the shakedowns and not brother. Weird dynamics. And P.S. Really irritated they never ate their steak dinner.

Another incredibly awkward moment was on AshLee's hometown date. I nearly changed the channel as she is telling her parents about their "romantic" date and "rolling around on the beach". Ewwww. Dude they are gonna watch the eipsode eventually, no need to discuss. I also felt like she was confessing to them. Like she needed to rat herself out and that he was so worth it. Ick. On the other hand, her dad just melted my heart when he talked about meeting her for the first time. Seriously sweet. Good people. I think AshLee is far more in love with him than he is with her. I also see that he is looking to really find someone who is fun and I don't think that's little Miss Personal Organizer. Side note, if she says "This man" one more time I'm gonna die. Going to turn that into a drinking game next week.

Catherine seems like a peach to me. Very natural, not much need to be anything other than herself. Gorgeous sisters. Not sure what was so damaging about what they said though. She's messy? Hmm, maybe AshLee could come over and get her organized. Not ready to have babies? I mean who is until they are in the right situation? Deal breaker, I think not. Sean overly analyzed here. Not sure I see it with them in the end. Catherine doesn't head over heals. When her sisters broke her down, she'd said she'd "give it a shot" if he proposed. Another eh moment for me.

Lindsey- she's cute and fun. Not sure I can see her ready to be engaged. Sweet family. I was a bit bored with her date. Wish she'd unglue herself at times. A bit handsy for me.

As for Sean's Tell All, I didn't think he told much. When Chris asked him about what goes on in those fantasy suites, I liked his response. I mean I could care less if he sleeps with them or not. Shut your bedroom door people. Glad he drew a line. As for the shower scene, all I could think was I wonder who is the camera man? So awkward with the camera slowly panning up and down.

I'm confused on how many episodes are left. I figure there is the fantasy suite dates, then women tell all and then finale???

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Bachelor 17- DON'T STEAL MY SPARKLE

Totally meant to blog on last week's double episode BUT a little show called Downton Abbey has seriously taken me into the deep end. I am so freakin' wrapped up in Mathew and Mary at the moment that I can hardly stand to watch anything else. Started this series just a few weeks ago and now I'm 3 episodes away from being caught up.  Boom, time killer.

Anyways... what the shit with all this drama?!?!? Fiiiiinaallllllyyyyyy Sean has seen the error of his ways and gotten rid of the Tierrorist. Bitch done gone crazy. I really don't think I could have stood for one more wah wah session and wiping away fake tears. And I'm very confused by her last outfit. Was that a romper? Honestly, I think the entire season was worth watching for just this line, "I can't control my eyebrow"! Thank you Tierra for that gem. I almost peed my pants. I love how she referred to her singular eyebrow and that her defense against being rude is that she simply cannot control her brow muscle. Ha! Wonder if she stowed away the roll away bed before leaving...

So I'm starting to really like AshLee. She seems solid. In fact, I doubt she wins but could be the next Bachelorette. Cougar? No. I think she's selective, careful and seriously beautiful.  Um flawless body. Well done.

Lindsey is starting to bug the shit out of me. I feel like there is some closet sorority sister of hers that is going to come from the woodwork and leak some serious shit about this girl. Definitely see a future for this girl on Bachelor Pad. Pretty rad her dad is a general though. That has to make for an interesting upbringing.

Catherine- we don't see much of her.  What I do see, I like. Very surprised by her tears at the end of the episode. Was she sad to see her friend go or hopeful for her chances with Sean? P.S. I LOVED when she said she doesn't need time to get ready in the morning, just a minute to pee. Ha! Gorgeous girl.

Des- eh. I've really cooled off on her. I think in normal life she is probably one rad gal. I think we would be friends. But it seems like the show has taken a severe emotional tole on her. Girl be breaking down. Also, I need for her bangs to either grow a bit more and side sweep a bit or to be pulled back.  It's almost... dorky?

I don't know about you but I'm super glued to this season. Overall, I like the girls and Sean is holding his own. Loved his sister, Shay (great name btw). Her advice to him about a girl that can't get along with other girls is spot on. Can't wait to see what this letter business is about that they foreshadowed last week. WTF!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Bachelor 17- I'm Not so Sure I like These Girls

Woaaaahhhh dude. Did Selma seriously announce her weight?!?!?! "All 110 pounds" of her. No.No.No. I don't give a fuck how big or small you are, laying out the digits (ESPECIALLY ON NATIONAL PRIME TIME TV) is forbidden. From the moment she said 110 all I could do was analyze the physique. Pretty big chest for 110. And not too toned. And once I heard 110 I thought perhaps Sean was smaller than I thought since she doesn't seem THAT small next to him.  I really had high hopes for Selma but now I just don't like her. Yup, just for that one comment. Also, she seemed like a real wimp climbing up that cliff. Honestly for as many times as she said "fuck" while climbing, you woulda figured some producer would just pull all 110 pounds of her up the damn wall. Also, I'm not sure what I think about her conflicting cultural values.  So she's perfectly willing to cast off her parents judgements about a reality show and dating but suddenly needs to stick to their beliefs when it comes to kissing. Interesting how she drew the line. And please, PLEASE stop using baby whisper voice with Sean. Can't.Stand.To.Listen.To.Muffled.Conversation.With.Recessed.Chins.And.Bad.Angles.

So the roller derby date was a bust. No shit right? Another bad date idea. Seriously need new producers here. I bet next season some douchebag exec tries to get the ladies to duke it out in a jello fight. Ugh. Ladies, hold your ground. On the bright side, it did make for some seriously hilarious moments with Amanda.  I almost peed my pants when Sean was talking about Amanda saying, "She could have a broken jaw and I'm really concerned. She's hardly able to open her mouth". And I'll leave the rest of that up to you :-)

I found the date with Leslie rather boring. Sweet girl but wish she'd stop comparing herself to a prostitute (i.e. Pretty Woman). We get it. It's cute you got to shop on Rodeo Drive and borrow some loot for the night but two things if I may: 1)Actually watch that movie darlin'. It's a real Cinderella story that I'm not sure speaks real high of women. (yeah yeah ladies, I love the movie too but I don't exactly want to be Vivian Ward). 2) Don't let Sean choose your final dress. Didn't love it.

Speaking of dresses, I loved Robyn's. Very Kate Middleton. Who the hell is Daniella and Jackie? Tierra or as the girls call her "Tierrable" (SO FUNNY) is losing her mind. Hate her cutesy voice when she talks to Sean. Meds? Therapy? Not sure, but she needs some help. Not sure who I see going to the end at this point. They are all starting to show some not so pretty sides. Really excited for two nights of Bach next week.

Monday, January 21, 2013

The Bachelor 17- Freak Show

Sean Lowe just didn't do it for me in Emily's season so I was a bit perturbed, albeit depressed, he was chosen as lucky number 17.  But something about him has just reeled me right back in. I feel like he finally got his coloring right. He's shaken off the albino look a bit and has an appropriate level of tanning at this point. I'd still like a bit darker eyebrow but considering his improved tone/build I think he's overall a go. I'd pretty much sworn off blogging on this season but shit there's just too much material.  ABC just never ceases to disappoint (with the exception of that cosmetic prince Borghese dude, Ben of wine country aka #trainwreckhair, the middle aged fisherman with the girl he is frequently calling in domestic disputes, Jesse that sucky football player, that awful British dude who chose the skanky blonde whose dad is/was on soaps,  and Aaron with the big nose). Otherwise, they are rather riveting.

So we're 3 episodes deep and a lot of crazy shit has gone down. We've had Ashley P. the pole dancer missing her pole, Sarah missing a limb, yoga teacher losing her zen, shitload of tears, head trauma and so much more. Holy crap that's eventful.

So far my favorite moments:
   * Home girl unable to do her full handspring and eating shit upon meeting Sean (what was her name???)
   * Kacie getting SHUT DOWN for complaining to Sean about girl drama. Finally, a bachelor not into stupid drama.  Also couldn't help but laugh at her last dress. WTF was that? Did she come to the rose ceremony straight from roller derby practice? She seemed seriously over confident in her status as a "veteran" bachelorette. Damn shame.
   * Tierra (or if you love missy elliot like I do then you are singing "My name is Cierra for all you fine fellas" every time I hear her name) falling down the stairs. Now I'm not that cruel. That sounded like it hurt like hell but your sort of boyfriend in hot pink calling EMS then trying to rub all up on you.... AWKWARD!
   * Arie and Seans heart to heart talk before meeting the ladies. Whaaaat? Tell me grown men do not discuss how to kiss a woman with each other. For 'ril?!?!?! Seriously not enough wine in a bottle for me to watch manufactured crap like that.
   * Beach volleyball game. Woah. Honestly that was depressing. How can they all be in such rockin' shape and seriously have zero athletic ability? Hard.to.watch. I was also really concerned about potential wardrobe malfunctions and found that to be rather distracting.
   * World record for that kiss thing. Umm should ABC be alotted that much air time for an onscreen kiss? Wow, that's 3 minutes and 16 seconds of my life I will never have back. And Ashley described that as the best date of her life. Hmm perhaps she has NEVER dated.

So far I really like Desiree, AshLee F, Sarah and Selma. I still feel like there are a lot of girls that I have no idea who they are. Looking forward to a smaller group and more awkward moments.