The Bachelor- What's one more?

*careful this recap is explicit. Husband is out of town and this week so my censor is off. Enjoy.


Holy shit I love this show. It never fails to entertain me. I think I laughed more this episode than I have in a while. I'm not even sure where to begin. So we'll start with the ski session down a San Francisco street in bikinis. I can't believe I just typed that. WTF?!? Ben, that was on your bucket list? Is you trippin? Who thinks this shit up? Let me just say, there could be no worse date possible for me. To be on national television in a bikini "skiing" down a city street. Holy hell, the mere thought makes me shutter. How the fuck were there no "wardrobe malfunctions"? The craziest thing is, I was watching real close (in HD no less) trying to see who looked bad in the bikini, but shit if they don't all have a perfect body. And shit if they weren't happy about it. I seriously can't get over it. If I lined up my friends and said we were gonna ski down the street in bikinis, I think they would beat the shit out of me and call me stupid. But dang, these girls were lining up for this rodeo. The best part were all the observers. Loved the dudes in lawn chairs. Christmas came early for some folk. And Kacie B, you took it like a champ. Damn, when I fall I get all red and splotchy. DId the bitch cover her whole body with foundation? Eff me.

Grrr... they gotta stop fuckin with my wedding song. Dude needs to learn another tune. I'm hoping he'll bust out the theme to "Cheers" or maybe a little classical, but really, could you lay off David Gray?

The bridge date. All I could think about was that Oprah episode where she and Gail and her 100 something guests climbed that bridge in Australia. This date does not appeal to me in any shape or form. Nothing says romantic like vomiting off a bridge and watching it fall to the cars below for the next 15 seconds. Sexy. Boots, hard hats and neon vests are pretty hot too. Nope doesn't do it for me. And Emily, aren't you in a PhD program? Should you really say things like, "a bridge brings two things together" as a metaphor for your relationship? Come on girl, you gotta be smarter than that.

It really bothered how worked up the girls got over Shawntel entering the race. I mean seriously. There are already 15 or so of you. What's one more? I thought it showed just how insecure they all were. I would never want to be selected to be a man's wife because the numbers were in my favor. You got it or you don't. Default is a concept that doesn't apply to a good marriage. Boom- quote that. ha!

The gals:

- Courtney: Dumb bitch. Actually I think this hooch acts all sophisticated and then occasionally lets it show that she's really more of a Walmart and Burger King kinda gal than Neiman's and caviar. Loved when she said "what's her butt"- classy. Also love how she said and I quote, "I wanna punch that girl in the face and verbally assault her". Interesting how she confuses physical violence and verbal attacks. Looking for the rest of her crazy to come out this season.

- Kacie B- Girl don't crack under the pressure. You're sweet as pie and somehow looked charming making an ass of yourself trying to ski. Hope she doesn't loose it with jealousy.

- Shawntel- Oh girl I feel so bad for you. You were really trying to put yourself out there for love but still haven't realized that this is a tv show that wants to make money. They totally threw you under the bus. They had stalker music playing every time they showed her and did that creepy neck down filming to disguise her. And stupid Ben had to act all better than you girl, but it's cool. We all know he's a douche. Now I hate to say this cause really the girls were already so mean to her, but darlin' you need to invest in a great strapless bra.

- Elyse: Holy fuck this girl IS Jersey shore. I thought for sure she was gonna punch Shawntel. In fact, I think Ben gave her a rose just so he didn't get hit. Fingers are crossed that next week she sports a bumpit!

- Jaclyn: Didn't Oprah teach you about the ugly cry?

- Nicki: Woah, who is she? I had not noticed her at all until the tears started up. Crizzazy!

- Erikah: Shit that's one of those girls that is all super sweet and innocent and then a freak in the bedroom! WHAT IS UP WITH THE INNER LIP TAT?!?!?! Amore? Really? You just need to think of "love" when you're biting into a hamburger. Flossing your teeth and see your little note and then feel all warm and fuzzy. Ok so maybe you drank too much one night and did this... oops. But fuck, twice? And girl, I tried not to laugh when you were passing out but it totally reminded me of this you tube clip... (p.s. eat a cracker)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26pyx1JPM6Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player

- Jennifer: Hmm... rose ceremony dress was just a little too much color blocking for me. I like this girl, but I'm a little concerned. She's falling in love? Doubt it. He paid you a compliment- best kisser- big damn deal! If he had said "you're the smartest girl in here" would you still be falling in love? Really makes me worry. I hope I raise my daughter better than this.

- Lindzi: Wow this girl is problems in disguise. She's one of those "yes baby everything is perfect" till she seals the deal. And then you better check yourself. You're in Lindzi's world. She's just a little too happy to be a replacement date if you ask me.

- Brit Brit: adios. Kinda feel bad you dragged your grandma all the way to California to plead your case only to leave before you even went on a date with him. But I also understand. I wouldn't want to date him either. I'd spend the whole date trying to correct his center part.




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